Intrapersonal Communication

Content

Content
Looking Out Looking In, 15th Edition

Looking Out Looking In, 15th Edition

Chapter 1

Per the transactional model which factors contribute to different environments.
- transactional model: communication is an exchange, and simultaneous unlike the linear model.
- environments bring context to the formulation of communicated messages such as ethnic group, classism, intent, experience, or concern.
Compare/Contrast interpersonal vs impersonal relationships.
- interpersonal
  - quantitatively face to face, and two interacting are a dyad i.e. asking for directions
  - qualitatively, interpersonal communication occurs when members treat each other as unique individuals (Kant?)
    - complement to this qualitative approach is impersonal communication
  - Contrast: uniqueness, rules/roles, relational culture, irreplace-ability, interdependence, disclosure, and intrinsic rewards.
Definition and characteristics of competent communicators
- competent communicators achieve one’s goals in a way that enhances relationships it’s involved with, or effective and appropriate
- characteristics include being able to apply a wide range of behaviors, choosing the most appropriate, skillful performance, cognitive complexity, empathy, self-monitoring, and commitment
Content and Relational messages
- content: information being discussed
- relational: how you feel about the other person
The three different noises in the transactional model
- physiological, psychological, external
The transactional model and the various parts.
Cognitive complex communicators
- ability to construct frameworks for viewing an issue
Self-Monitoring: paying close attention to one;s own behavior and using observations to shape yourself.

Notes:

Interpersonal communication is a transactional process involving participants who occupy different but overlapping environments and create meaning and relationships through the exchange of messages, many of which are affected by external, physiological, and psychological noise

Chapter 2

Richness:
- non-verbal cues that add clarity to a verbal message
Leaner messages:
- stark from a lack of nonverbal information
Asynchronous:
- delay between time of sending and recieving
Synchronicity:
- connected in real time
Disinhibition:
- leanness like online tend to make communicators online be more honest, blunt, less cautious, and self-monitoring
Hyperpersonal:
- accelerated discussion that can go beyond face-to-face itneraction
Netiquette:
- be civil, respect others, don’t intrude, abide by civil rules online.
The influence of gender in mediated communication: men tend to use large words, nouns, and swear more than females who use personal pronouns, verbs and hedge phrases (hedging risk)
Mediated communication vs. Face-to-Face:
- communication done through a medium such as social media vs face-to-face
Digital Natives:
- born after early 1990s with communicative technology
- differences in channel preferences and topics of discussion
Warranting:
degree to which info is controllable by the person being described (secondhand newspaper article on accomplishments vs yourself blogging)

Chapter 3: Communication and ID: Creating/Presenting the Self

Impression management
- communication strategies that people use to influence how others view them
Self-Concept
- who we think we are
Self-fulfilling prophecy
- persons expectations of an even make the event more likely to occur
- 1. Holding an expectation
- 1. Behaving in accordance
- 1. Coming to pass
- 1. Reinforcmenet
Presenting/Perceived Self
- percieved - reflection of self-concept, the person you are in honest moments of self examination
- presenting self - public image, or how we want others to see us (fact)
- (^ _ ^) <–> (T _ T)
Social Comparison
- evaluating ourselves in terms of how we compare with others (good/bad?)
Ego Booster/Busters
- a produce of significant others,
Individualistic/Collectivist Cultures
- West vs Asia
- Individual: Identify first with name, surname, town, etc.
- Collectivist: Group identity comes first, i.e. village or caste or lineage
Reference Groups
- Groups whose traits we compare ourselves to–an oddball in an oddball group is no longer odd
Cognitive Conservatism
- tendency to claim to a self-concept that is contrary to evidence
Benevolent lies
- an unmalicious or helpful lie in the view of the person telling it
- The Goodbye with Aquafina
Self-Disclosure
- deliberately revealing information about oneself that is significant and not normally known by others
- social penetration: depth vs breadth
- johari window: dividing what is known of the self into parts of a windowpane
- Benefits or Risks
  - benefits: Catharsis, Reciprocity, Self-Clarification, Self-Validation, building and maintaining relationships, social influence
  - risks: rejection, negative impression, decrease in relational satisfaction, loss of influence, and hurting others

Chapter 4: Perception what you see is what you get?

The phases of perception
- selection
  - selecting impression we attend to as well as what we ignore
- organization
  - arranging information in a meaningful way (i.e. perceptual schema)
  - punctuation: where one point begins and ends i.e. in a husband wife quarrel cycle
- interpretation
  - attaching meaning to sense data
    - involvement with people, experience, assumptions, attitudes, expectations (anticipation shapres interpretation), knowledge, self-concept, rational satisfaction
- negotiation
  - people influencing each others perceptions to create a sense of shared perspective
The perception checking process
- description of behavior -> 2+ possible interpretations of it -> request for clarification about interpretation
How the senses influence perception
- pillow method: combinations of right, wrong, and importance
Individualistic and Collectivist Cultures
- latino vs japanese individuals are often at odds with their reference group
- stereotypes can spawn from good or bad intentions
Ethnocentrism
- attitude that one’s own culture is superior to others
Sympathy
- empathy vs sympathy – view other persons situation from their POV vs your POV
Stereotyping
- exaggerated generalizations with a categorizing system
  - kernel of truth that go excessively beyond
Classifications of perceptions for people
- Judge ourselves more charitably than others
- Clinging to first impressions
- Assume others are similar to us
- Influenced by expectations
- Influenced by obvious

Chapter 5

Facilitative and debilitative emotions
- emotions that contribute vs detract form effective functioning
  - intensity: anger vs rage, caution vs fear
  - duration: rumination or dwelling persistently on negative thoughts intensify negative feelings
- sources
  - debilitative: physiology (genetics), emotional memory(recurring reminders), self-talk (interpretation of event to feelings)
Individualistic and Collectivist cultures
- collectivist praise harmony among members, while individualistic praise revealing their emotions to people who are close
  - too reserved vs too demonstrative
The Fallacies of:
- perfection: nobody is perfect
- approval: dont need approval
- shoulds: things dont need to ought be some way
- overgeneralization: limited evidence overgeneralizing
- causation: emotions caused by others than self-talk
- helplessness: satisfaction in life is beyond your control when it is
- catastrophic expectations: Murphy’s law
Reappraisal
- rethinking the meaning of emotionally charged events
- superior to suppressing feelings
Emotion labor
- situations in which managing and even suppressing emotions is both appropriate and necessary
Emotional contagion
- process by which emotionas are transferred form one person to another
Rumination
- dwelling on persistent thoughts that intensify often negative feelings
Emotional intelligence:
- the ability to understand and manage ones own emotions and others’ feelings
- positively linked with self-esteem, life satisfaction, self acceptance, conflict management, and relationships
self-talk: the intermediary thoughts that are between the communicated words and the feelings you feel, or the logical process that determines how you resultingly feel

Summary:

Emotions have several dimensions. They are signaled by internal physiologi- cal changes, manifested by nonverbal reactions, and defined in most cases by cognitive interpretations. We can use this information to make choices about whether or not to verbalize our feelings. There are several reasons why people do not verbalize many of the emotions they feel. Some people have personalities that are less prone toward emotional expression. Culture and gender also have an effect on the emotions we do and don’t share with others. Social rules and roles discourage the expression of some feelings, particularly negative ones. Social media may also increase the intensity of emotions for both message senders and receivers. Finally, contagion can lead us to experience emotions that we might not otherwise have had. Because total expression of emotions is not appropriate, several guidelines help define when and how to express emotions effectively. Expanding your emotional vocabulary, becoming more self-aware, and expressing mixed feelings are important. Recognizing the difference between feeling, thinking, and acting, as well as accepting responsibility for feelings instead of blaming them on others, lead to better reactions. Choosing the proper time and place to share feelings is also important, as is choosing the best channel for expressing emotions. Whereas some emotions are facilitative, others are debilitative and inhibit effective functioning. Many of these debilitative emotions are biological reactions rooted in the amygdala portion of the brain, but their negative impact can be altered through rational thinking. It is often possible to communicate more confidently and effectively by identifying troublesome emotions, identifying the activating event and self-talk that triggered them, and reappraising any irrational thoughts with a more logical analysis of the situation. It is also important to identify and enjoy facilitative emotions.

Chapter 6

Equivocal words
- using language that can be an alternative to blunt disclosure, ambiguous meaning
High/Low-level of abstraction
- vague language to describe goals and problems
- high vs low:
  - high: using vague language as verbal shorthand
  - low: concrete and behavioral
Pragmatic rules
- to decide how to interpret messages in a given context, and is usually unstated
Language and its symbolic nature
- language has an arbitrary connection between words and the ideas they refer–not literal
Linguistic Relativism
- the notion that language exerts strong influence on the worldview of the people who speak it
Convergence/Divergence
- convergence: adapting speech style to match others
- divergence: speaking in a way that emphasizes differences from others
Static Evaluation
- statements that contain or imply people are static and unchanging, people are often more changing than static language
Fact/Inference/Opinion
- problems arise when confusing factual with inferential statements
Relative Words
- words with meanings gained by comparison i.e. fast/slow, smart/stupid
I/We/You/But/It language
- Language of responsibility
- ‘it’ replaces ‘I’
- ‘I’ identifies the speaker/source
- ‘but’ cancels the thought that precedes it
- ‘you’ expresses judgement of another person
- ‘we’ issue is the concern and responsibility of both the speaker and receiver
High/Low Context language
- low context value using language to express thoughts feelings and ideas as directly as possible
- high context uses language to maintain social harmony

Summary:

Language is both a marvelous communication tool and the source of many interpersonal problems. Every language is a collection of symbols governed by a variety of rules: semantic, syntactic, and pragmatic. Terms used to name people influence the way the people are regarded. The terms used to name speakers and the language they use reflect the level of affiliation of a speaker toward others. Language patterns also reflect and shape a speaker’s perceived power. Some language habits—such as confusing facts with opinions or inferences and using emotive terms—can lead to unnecessary disharmony in interpersonal relationships. Language also acknowledges or avoids the speaker’s acceptance of responsibility for his or her thoughts and feelings. There are some differences in the ways men and women speak. The content of their conversations varies, as do their reasons for communicating and their conversational styles. However, not all differences in language use can be accounted for by the speaker’s biological sex. Gender roles, occupation, social philosophy, and orientation toward problem solving also influence people’s use of language. Different languages often shape and reflect the views of a culture. Some cultures value directness, brevity, and the succinct use of language, whereas others value indirect or elaborate forms of speech. In some societies, formality is important, whereas others value informality. Beyond these differences, there is evidence to support linguistic relativism—the notion that language exerts a strong influence on the worldview of the people who speak it.

Chapter 7 Nonverbal Communication: Messages Beyond Words

Ideas/Feelings and nonverbal communication
- characteristics:
  - all behavior has communicative value–they provide unconscious and unintentional information
  - primarily relational
    - impression management, reflects relationships (hand holding), conveys emotion (stomping for anger)
  - occurs in mediated messages
    - “You are driving me crazy” ;-)
  - serves many functions
    - repeating (pointing), complementing (facial expression, thank you), substituting (shrugging), accenting (it was YOUR idea), regulating (nodding), contradicting (Angry? No Im not ANGRY!)
  - offers deception clues
    - leakage of deception
  - is ambiguous
Eye Patterns across cultures
- japanese tend to look to the eyes for emotional cues, while west looks at mouth
- direct gaze is appropriate for power seekers in Latin America, Arab World, and southern Europe.
- Asians, Indians, Pakistanis , and northern Europeans gaze peripherally or not at all out of respect
How status may be communicated
- tenseness: The lower-status person is generally the more rigid and tense-appearing one, and the higher-status person appears more relaxed
- space: high status have more personal territory and privacy
- time: waiting
- same neighborhood
Kinesics
- body position and motion (orientation, posture, gestures)
  - facing toward or away
  - posture
  - gestures: movements of hands and arms
    - illustrators (movements that accompany speech)
    - emblems: a gesture where deliberate nonverbal behaviors that have precise meaning and known to everyone in a cultural group (head nod, thumbs up)
    - adaptors: shivering
    - manipulators
      - face/eye micro-expression (fiddling for discomfort)
      - microexpressions for lying
- touch (haptics): slaps
- Appearance
Proxemics
- study of the way people and animals use space
- distance and territoriality
- Territory
  - a geographical area where we assume “rights”, or a feeling of ownership
  - Intimate (skin to 18in) > Personal (4ft - 18in) > Social (4ft - 12ft) > Public (12ft+)
Definition of nonverbal communication: “messages expressed by non-linguistic means”
Deception detection
- accurate in detecting only slightly more than half the time
- tend to overestimate our abilities to detect lies
- strong tendency to judge messages as truthful
Voice aka Paralanguage
- nonverbal, vocal messages like WORD emphasis, i.e. pitch, tone, rate, volume, pauses
Chronemics
- study of how humans use and structure time
- time spent correlate to positive relationships
- quick responses > tardy responses
Manipulators
- self-touching behaviors like fidgeting for discomfort during an interview (not always a sign though)

Summary:

Nonverbal communication consists of messages expressed by nonlinguistic means such as body movement, vocal characteristics, touch, appearance, physical space, physical environment, and time.

Nonverbal skills are vital for competent communicators. Nonverbal communication is pervasive; in fact, it is impossible to not send nonverbal messages. Although many nonverbal behaviors are universal, their use is affected by both culture and gender. Most nonverbal communication reveals attitudes and feelings; in contrast, verbal communication is better suited to expressing ideas. Even mediated messages carry nonverbal cues. Nonverbal communication serves many functions. It can repeat, complement, substitute for, accent, regulate, and contradict verbal communication. When presented with conflicting verbal and nonverbal messages, communicators are more likely to rely on the nonverbal ones. For this reason, nonverbal cues are important in detecting deception. It’s necessary to exercise caution in interpreting such cues, however, because nonverbal communication is ambiguous.

Chapter 8: Listening: More Than Meets the Ear

Hearing vs listening
- listening is hearing with interpretation
- hearing -> attending -> understanding (listening fidelity, understanding relative to communicative intention) -> responding -> remembering (50% at 0hrs, 35% < 8hrs, 25% < 2 months)
Challenges of listening
- overload, distraction, rapid thought, effort, external noise, faulty assumptions, lack of advantages or training, hearing problems
The various listening responses
- prompting: using silences and brief statements of encouragement to draw others out–people can make their own answers
- questioning: asking for information that can help both the person doing the asking and the one providing answers
  - sincere vs counterfeit: understanding others vs sending a message and not receiving one
- paraphrasing: statements that reword the listeners interpretation of a message
  - key to restate so you can cross-check information
- supporting: revealing solidarity with the speakers situation
  1. Recognize you can support someone without approving/disapproving
  2. Monitor the other person reaction
  3. Realize support may not always be welcome
  4. Make sure you’re ready for consequences
- Advising: help by offering a solution (50/50 chance helpful and not)
- Judging: evaluates the senders thoughts or behaviors in some way
- Analyzing: listener offers an interpretation of a speakers message
Ineffective listening:
- Pseudolistening: imitation of the real thing (ineffective listening)
- Stage-hogging: conversational narcissists that turn the topic to themselves
  - shift response: changing focus from the speaker to narcissist
- Selective Listening
  - responding to parts of a remark that interests them

Summary:

Listening is the most common—and perhaps the most overlooked—form of communication. There is a difference between hearing and listening, and there is also a difference between mindless and mindful listening. Listening, defined as the process of making sense of others’ messages, consists of five elements: hearing, attending, understanding, responding, and remembering. Several responding styles masquerade as listening but actually are only poor imitations of the real thing. We listen poorly for a variety of reasons. Some reasons have to do with the tremendous number of messages that bombard us daily and with the personal preoccupations, noise, and rapid thoughts that distract us from focusing on the information we are exposed to. Another set of reasons has to do with the considerable effort involved in listening carefully and the mistaken belief that there are more rewards in speaking than in listening. A few listeners fail to receive messages because of physical hearing defects; others listen poorly because of lack of training. Some keys to better listening are to talk less, reduce distractions, avoid making premature judgments, and seek the speaker’s key ideas. Listening responses are the primary way we evaluate whether and how others are paying attention to us. Some listening responses put a premium on gathering information and providing support; these include prompting, questioning, paraphrasing, and supporting. Other listening responses focus more on providing direction and evaluation; these include analyzing, advising, and judging. The most effective communicators use a variety of these styles, taking into consideration factors such as gender, the situation at hand, the person with the problem, and their own personal style.

Chapter 9: Relational Dynamics

Dialectical Tensions
- conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously
  - 1. Connection vs Autonomy (CvA)
    - we want independence and dependence–creates tension
    - go through stages of “hold tight”, “put me down”, “leave me alone”
  - 1. Openness vs Privacy (OvP)
    - the need for disclosure vs maintaining space
    - dichotomy between honesty “do I look attractive?” and consideration “should I say yes or no?” (openness)
  - 1. Predictability vs Novelty (PvN)
    - boredom as a result of predictability
    - but unpredictability is insecure
- managing tensions (30.8% CvA, 21.7% PvN, 12.7 OvP ): denial, disorientation (nonconfrontation?), alternation, segmentation (need-to-know), balance (compromise), integration (do both), recalibration (reframing), reaffirmation (embracing tensions)
The 10 stages of Knapp’s Relational Model (and characteristics of each stage)
10 Stages:

Coming Together (Up to Bonding): $$ [Intiating < Experimenting < Intensifying < $$
- interest -> uncertainty reduction -> lovy-dovy, goosbumps, and daydreaming Relational Matinenance: $$ (Integrating < Bonding] == [Differentiating > Circumscribing) $$
- merging lifestyles, developing shared identities -> public gestures like engagement -> understanding unshared identities -> shrinking communication (draw circles around) Coming apart: (Differentiating and onward): $$
Stagnating > Avoiding > Terminating] $$
- excitement from intensifying gone, boredom -> indirectness, non-discussion -> ending and disassociation
Why we form relationships
- appearance, similarity, complementarity, reciprocal attraction, competence, disclosure (trust), proximity, rewards
Attraction: rewards, companionship, appearance, similarity, etc.
Social Exchange Formula: seek people who give us rewards greater than or equal to costs in dealing with them (Rewards - Costs = Outcome)
Affinity: degree of liking or disliking someone
Content and Relational Messages
- content: subject being discussed
- relational: affinity, immediacy, respect, control
Metacommunication: communication about communication, or the relationship i.e. “I hate it when you use that tone of voice”

People form interpersonal relationships for a variety of reasons. Attraction can come from physical appearance, perceived similarity, complementarity, recip-rocal attraction, perceived competence, disclosure of personal information, proximity, and rewards. Two models offer somewhat different perspectives on the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. A stage-related model characterizes communication as exhibiting different characteristics as people come together and draw apart. A dialectical model characterizes communicators in every stage as being driven by the need to manage a variety of mutually incompatible needs. Communication occurs on two levels: content and relational. Relational communication can be both verbal and nonverbal. Relational messages usually refer to one of four dimensions of a relationship: affinity, immediacy, respect, or control. Metacommunication consists of messages that refer to the relationship between the communicators. Healthy interpersonal relationships require maintenance. They also need emotional, informational, and instrumental support. When relationships become damaged by transgressions, repair strategies and forgiveness become important skills for both parties.

Chapter 10: Close Relationships

The four dimensions of intimacy
- 1. physical
- 1. intellectual
- 1. emotional
- 1. shared activities
High/low conversational orientation: openness to discussing a range of topics–non taboo vs taboo topics
The different love languages: notions of what counts as love
- words of affirmation
- quality time
- gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch
Gender and self-disclosure: females disclose more, males share activities
Relational turning points: transformative events that alter the relationship in a fundamental way
Birth Orders and their characteristics: 1st born is often extraverted and concerned with control. Middle is closer with friends, and “caboose” are committed and closer to family than their older siblings.
The various conflict styles (avoidant, validating, volatile, protective, laissez-faire, etc.)
- volatile: intense heated arguments
- avoidant: ignores issues
- validating: open cooperation and management
- protective: low orientation high conformity little discussion about taboo
- laissez-faire: low in both orientation and conformity, where decision making is individual.
Gottman’s ratio: 5:1–5 times more positive interactions (touching, smiling, complimenting, laughing, kindness) than negative, likely to be a happy and successful relationship

Intimacy in interpersonal relationships has four dimensions: physical, intel-lectual, emotional, and shared activities. Both gender and culture affect the way intimacy is expressed. Intimacy can occur through mediated communication as well as in face-to-face interaction. Not all relationships are intimate; communicators must make choices about when, where, and with whom they will be intimate. Family relationships are formative, role driven, and generally involuntary. Families operate as systems and develop communication patterns that involve the merging of particular conversation and conformity orientations. Generational differences in the use of social media can present challenges for family communication, so negotiating a shared understanding of such use is important. Communication in friendships often varies according to the age of the participants, relational history and frequency of contact, level of obligation, task or relational foundations, level of disclosure and obligation, and gender of the friends. Social media play an important role in contemporary relationships. Relational messages in romantic relationships have three dimensions: love, commitment, and affection. Romantic partnerships often begin, continue, and end based on relational turning points. Couples typically use one of three conflict styles: volatile, avoidant, or validating. Each partner in a romantic relationship favors one of five love languages, and it’s helpful for both to become fluent in the other’s language. Because social media play an important role in most romantic relationships, it’s important to use mediated channels mindfully to maximize their beneficial effects and minimize harmful ones.

Chapter 11

Confirming and Disconfirming (and they types) messages. (“You exist, and I care” vs “I don’t care about you”)
- confirming: messages that convey valuing
- disconfirming: messages that show a lack of regard
Gibb’s categories of Defensive and Supportive behavior

Defensive:

Evaluation
Control
Strategy
Neutrality
Superiority
Certainty

Supportive:

Description
Problem Orientation
Spontaneity
Empathy
Equality
Provisionalism

Eval vs Desc: judging a person vs describing how you feel
Control vs Prob: Dictating vs making an amicable deal
Strat vs Sponten: ulterior motive vs honest asks
Neut vs Emp: uncaring vs understanding
Super vs Equal: stating judgement vs ‘our’ views
Cert vs Provis: thinking you know for certain vs I might be wrong
Spirals: a back and forth where a persons message reinforces the others
Assertive Message Format: builds on perception skills and “I” approach by speaking your mind in a direct, nonthreatening assertive way
- Behavior: the objective, raw material for reaction
- Interpretation: meaning attached to behaviors
- Feeling
- consequence
Evaluative Language: you don’t know what youre talking about! Those jokes are gross!
Definition of Communication Climates: emotional tone of a relationship
Defensiveness: guarding oneself from attack
Impervious responses: A disconfirming response that ignores another person’s attempt to communicate.
Feeling Statements: expression of emotion from results of interpretation of sense data.

Chapter 12

Definition of Conflict: an expressed struggle between at least two independent parties who perceive incompatible goals.
Parallel/Symmetrical/Complementary Conflict Style
- Parallel: shift between complementary and symmetrical patterns
- Symmetrical: both partners have same behavior
- Complementary: different but mutually reinforcing
Direct/Passive Aggression: threatens the face to face person/expressing hostility in an obscure or manipulative way
Avoiding/collaborating/compromising/competing/accommodating Conflict Styles
- Avoiding (LL): when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict
- Accommodating (LW): allowing others to have their way
- Competing (WL): opposite of acc, high concern for self and low for others
- Compromising (P-LL)
- Collaborating (WW)
Conflict Rituals
- unacknowledged but very real patterns of interlocking behavior

John Gottman “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

Criticism: attacks on a persons character
Defensiveness: reaction that aims to protect ones presenting self by denying responsibility
Contempt: belittling and demeaning
Stonewalling: withdraws, shutting down dialogue

Distinguishing characteristic in win-lose problem solving:

Identify the problem and unmet needs
Make a date
describe your problem and needs
consider partners POV
negotiate solution
follow up solution